I have been wanting to blog about this since it happened but have been busy and hesitant about blogging about it due to my mixed emotions but here goes. So last week or so I go into a my co-worker's office who he and his wife just had their first baby. He is ecstatic about it. He brings pictures to work all the time and always has stories to tell. So, he calls me preggo (before I was skinny bones, it's an inside joke) and says "hey preggo! Are you getting excited yet?" because he knows this wasn't particularly planned and how much shock I was in. I hesitated and said something like "I wouldn't really say excited". I immediately felt awful but secretly have been wanting to say that for a while to someone. He didn't seem to understand since he is bubbling over with excitement of his first born maybe 2 month old. So, I started to explain.
As I started to explain it kind of came out. It's not that I am not excited. I have moments of excitement but it really seems different with the second one and I really hate to say that. I was afraid this is how it would be with a second baby. That is why I thought maybe if I spaced them out better I would have more time to be excited and focused on the baby with Nash being a little older. Now I don't know if that necessarily would be true. I am pretty hands on a bunch with Nash and spend a lot of my time with him so I probably would no matter what age he is.
With that being said I I feel super guilty about not being "excited" per say like I was with Nash. With Nash I had nothing but time to focus on him and get ready for him coming and really soak it all in. With this one not so much. I do notice that when I see a baby my heart melts. I have always liked babies but there for awhile after I had Nash I would look at a baby and think it was cute or sweet but have no desire to just hold it and love on it and not want to give it back like I do now. I also feel like and hope with time and when I start feeling the baby move and know what the baby is my excitement will grow.
I am the second child as well and I feel like with the second one they don't get and probably it is impossible to give them as much attention as you do the first one because you simply can't give all your time to both. I know there are benefits to being the second and last baby. As you are the baby and tend to get babied more than the oldest. I go back and forth were I feel sad that this baby won't get as much attention as Nash did and I get sad thinking that Nash will not have my full attention as well.
I hope and think these are normally feelings or thoughts but either way it felt good to express it. I know that Nash will be a great big brother and is excited. Any time we talk about the baby he gets excited and has lately hugged and kissed my belly and asked last night "mommy can the baby come out now?" I know the baby will be loved by everyone and will complete our family is a blessing.
1 comment:
i completely understand - it's good to be honest with your feelings because then you can be better prepared, i think. nobody told me how hard it was to have two and i often feel guilty about not being able to give my undivided attention to melia or kekoa. so i pray for God's guidance daily and He totally blesses me in different ways. i will be praying for you. thanks for sharing and being transparent. also i got your check for the gift - thanks so much! and kekoa will be coming to nash's bday party - thanks for inviting him!
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