Indecisiveness-not my best quailty

So, I am a little nervous and uneasy and I don't really know why. I am very indecisive when it comes to myself and personal decisions but I have decided to take some Mondays off while I can. How this came up was originally when I interviewed for my job I asked about working a four day week still since it would still be considered full time and I would still have benefits. My boss entertained the idea but then decided that she needed someone at my school full time. I agreed to it because with all the breaks you have off and the hours I figured it was still worth it to take the job.
So with me just starting the job and the first of the school year my case load is still kinda low so I emailed my supervisor and asked about 4 days a week again if the case load remained low. I didn't really expect a definite answer. I expected maybe a "we'll see how it goes".  However, she met me half way and said that I can take Mondays off  (because there will be another therapist there on Mondays) until I reach my case load number that it needs to be but that she still needed me there full time. I am totally okay with this and think that things will pick up.They already kind of have but for some reason I feel weird about it. I feel like I should still be at school if everyone else is there. I feel weird about Nash not going to Mother's Day Out on Mondays. I feel like I am doing something wrong and don't really understand why.
 I hate that about myself. I am trying to just be excited about having an extra day with Nash  and enjoy things this fall with him like going to the Zoo, The Pumpkin Patch, the park, etc. I know I won't ever regret getting to spend more time with him while I can. I know this won't be permanent and if I wanted to I could still work Mondays or every other Monday or something. So, I am puzzled about why I feel weird about it. Maybe it's because it still is a relatively new job to me and I don't quite feel at ease with it yet. Maybe it's because I feel like people will think I am not committed to the job if I am already being off more than I originally agreed to. Maybe it is because I really do like the job and have gotten attached to my kids and the staff and I feel bad not being there every day like they are. Maybe it's because it is not really permanet so it will be changing and I don't really like change and some times can be way too rigid. I like predictablity and stability. Maybe it's a little bit of all those things.
(Okay, there you go. A glimpse into my crazy, over thinking  things mind. Not pretty my friend)

a little perspective and a little laugh

In my professional life, there have been many things I have experienced/heard/seen pretty much on  a daily basis that help me put things in to perspective in my own life and be grateful, humble, and want to go home and hug my husband and son. This week probably took the cake on those experiences.

In the town I work in there was a fatal car accident that killed an innocent family due to road rage of another person. In that family, four were killed and one survived thus far. One of them that was killed was a 5th grader at the school I work in. I did not know this kid and he wasn't a client of mine but in the role that I am in at the school I went around with the principals and school counselors to the classes this boy was in as they told them of the accident and the death of their classmate. A lot of them, this was how they found out who died in the accident for the first time. I haven't seen many things if anything sadder than a room full of kids and a teacher and staff crying over the loss of their classmate and student. I talked with several kids who were friends with him that were having a rough time with it as to be expected.

Several things are really sad about this incident. One, these people were completely innocent in this situation and just happened to be the car the reckless people hit. Two, everyone was killed but one. That one still may not make it but even if they do they have to learn of the deaths of the rest of their family members. It has been a lot to take in.

I hesitated about writing this post but decided to anyways. One I felt like I needed to get it out and two it makes you think or at least it does me. Life often changes in a blink of an eye. I have had different experiences like this before in my life where something happens to make you realize just how precious life is and how we are truly blessed in so many ways that we take for granted from day to day. My prayers and thoughts are with the family, the school, and the students and I am asking for your prayers as well.

Now for a little laugh that is much needed after such a dark and ugly post.

(picture taken with my phone and not the best quality)

This is my silly son at his friend's birthday party trying on her dress up heels. Yes he wore them and liked to wear them however he almost fell several times, his foot hung of the edge most of the time, and he cried and threw a major fit when we had to take the shoes off to go home.

you gotta take the bad with the good

This week has been a stressful week (already) for a couple of reasons. I think the first thing started last week as I put on my favorite jeans for work and realized they were awfully tight. I could get them on and could manage them okay standing up but sitting down was not at all comfortable. Then this week as I try to figure out what is going on. Was it those jeans that shrunk or have I just gotten bigger? Well to my dismay I have just gotten bigger as when I tried on my other jeans, the majority of them were either uncomfortably tight or I could not button them.
What puzzles me is I really didn't think I was eating any differently. I bring my lunch to work and have lately not been super hungry at night. I normally eat relatively healthy. To make this matter worse is most people don't want to hear when a small person like myself complains of gaining weight so there are only a few people that I can talk to who understand. It's not that I care how much I weigh, in fact I haven't even stepped on a scale. I don't care what size you are it never feels good to not fit in your clothes. So, I have started back to running, done a lot of crunches and leg lifts, started drinking more water, and trying to better watch what I eat (and I say that very loosely).
My other problem is my migraines started back daily again. I don't know what is up with that. I am off birth control and on the same preventative that was helping go for over a week with out one. So, I have a message in with my doctor to see if I need to increase my medication or change it. He talked about putting me on a Betta blocker. I recently talked to a co-worker who just started on one and it helped he tremendously with her headaches. He kind of hesitated to give me it at first because it is for high blood pressure and my blood pressure is relatively low so it might lower it even more which I guess is not a good thing.
Anyhoo, this couldn't come at a worse time. Since changing jobs I don't have my normal insurance for another month. I only have a short term policy for like if an emergency happens. It doesn't cover a lot, especially on prescriptions. I just have a discount card. For example, the medication that I take when I do have a migraine is $270 without insurance and $218 with my prescription card.  Also, with that medication your only allowed 9 pills a month by your insurance and with me having them every day I can go through that pretty quickly. I am hoping for a return phone call tomorrow from the doctor to try something that might help. I know eventually they would go away since I am off the birth control but I don't want to go every day having a migraine until they do.
The good news is I got a check in the mail from my previous job for my share in the profit sharing of the company. I knew it was coming some time but didn't know when. It is a nice size check and one that I intend to deposit and put all of it to my student loan. It will be a big chunk of what I have left to pay on my loans and not much makes me happier than paying off debt. I know I am weird like that.